


Be Here Now

by gerty_3000



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Loneliness, M/M, Masturbation, Phone Sex, Pining, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 00:11:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14366721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gerty_3000/pseuds/gerty_3000
Summary: Jay feels an incredible loneliness in the dead of night, and in his desperation, reaches out for a friend.





	Be Here Now

**Author's Note:**

> both tim and jay are trans

It was a bad idea. It was a very bad idea. Calling at three in the morning --a time he only realized was accurate in a passing glance at the alarm clock sitting across from him, red numbers glowing dim in the half-darkness of the room-- without a true reason to call? Very bad idea. He was holding his breath at the first few rings, wondering if, perhaps hoping it would go to voicemail. He knew he should have hung up before he even tried. 

"Hello?"

Jay swallowed hard at the greeting, trying to gauge on the tone of voice- was he angry, was he upset, was he annoyed, was he just as sleepless as himself?

"Tim, it's- it's me," he knew he shouldn't have started with that; they both had caller ID, they both had known each other long enough to recognize the sound of their voices over speaker. "I uhm... I know it's late. I'm- I'm sorry."

He trailed off, expression pinched with worry. With fear. With the expectation that he had completely fucked things up, as if this one single mistake had compounded every mistake before it, so far beyond a faux pas in it's magnitude of a damaged relationship. Jay heard a soft sigh on the other end, the distortion of air into a receiver, and could swear he felt sweat start to form on his brow.

"It's fine. I got off work an hour ago. I uh... wasn't going to be falling asleep any time soon."

A pause. He speaks up again, voice softer.

"What's up? Everythin' okay?"

"I shouldn't have called." Jay grumbled, covering his eyes with his hand, as if to hide from the shame of his mistake.

"Y'aint bothering me." 

They both lapsed into silence. It wasn't necessarily awkward or tense, though it seemed neither was jumping at the opportunity to fill the air with noise. Jay sniffled, like a sad little kid, pulling the phone away to huff in exhaustion and exasperation; at himself, at the world, at the camera set up on a tripod four feet away from his bed in the cramped motel room watching his every move, including this pathetic attempt at connecting with another human being. When he pressed the phone back against his ear, adjusting himself so he was sitting against the backboard, propped up by too many overstuffed pillows, he could still hear the feedback of the open line. Tim hadn't hung up on him yet.

"I... I can't sleep, Tim. I keep gettin' these like... flashes." 

He trailed off, screwing up his expression again because he felt _stupid. _This call was stupid. Trying to figure out his feeling was stupid. Trying to figure out his feelings to someone who had so much more emotional capacity than him was _stupid. _He waited for the hangup, for the curt and pissed off command to go to bed, for the 'I have to be up early tomorrow stop bothering me'.____

____For the Alex Kralie method of dealing with things; where the line of communication would get ended and he was left in silence to himself for the coming weeks, waiting for any sign of forgiveness or wanting._ _ _ _

____"Flashes of... what?"_ _ _ _

____Jay closed his eyes, and breathed out his nose. Okay, so he was in this now. Head first and at three o'clock in the damn morning, he was apparently now using Tim as his personal therapist._ _ _ _

____There were worse things he could be doing with his sleepless time, though._ _ _ _

____He could be alone._ _ _ _

____"Memories. Things I forgot. Things I know happened to me but... but are gone. After what uh- what happened." He didn't want to say 'after _all this _happened' because it would emphasize how long it's been happening. Nearly four years. It was a thought that made his stomach turn uncomfortably, and his mouth dry with nervousness. His breathing came high in his chest, short, shallow little respiration. Even just talking about them brought forth a palpable panic he had been trying so hard to fight down. His head was cloudy with exertion and lack of sleep and the not-memories. The black space in his mind that only seemed more glaring because he focused on them, like a dead pixel on a monitor screen, standing out against all the working functions because it was broken.___ _ _ _

______"Hey now, just... take a deep breath, okay?"_ _ _ _ _ _

______The fact that Tim's first reaction to Jay's surmounting panic was to try and help with _breathing _exercises was... shocking.___ _ _ _ _ _

________Maybe it was because Jay had gone so long without another person trying to help him, _actually _help him, rather than just string him along. To listen to his ramblings and not laugh in his face. Maybe it was because it was so late at night. Maybe it was because Jay was so achingly _lonely. _______ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Whatever it was, it was all overshadowed by the cloudiness in his head. All the exhaustion finally catching up with him. He didn't have the energy to linger on that sadness. And with the fog behind his eyes, it made it easy for him to listen to Tim, to really _listen _and follow his instructions.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________So he did. He drew in a long breath through his mouth, holding it for a second before letting it out. It must have been audible, because Tim made a noise of affirmation, followed by the sound of hand against stubble rasping, as if he were rubbing his face. It felt oddly comforting. Like he was doing the right thing. Like he was pleasing Tim in some way._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He didn't realize how much he _wanted _to please Tim until now.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"That's good. You're doing good. Try not to focus on the memories. It's... harder than it sounds, I know. Just... keep breathing. You just have to keep breathin'."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________His voice was soft and calm, soothing in a way that Jay didn't want to think about. It made his skin warm and the room feel safe. Made it feel like there was only the two of them; and how many times in the past few years had it truly been just the two of them in lonely motel rooms, albeit one masked and the other half-asleep?. Jay swallowed around the lump of partially formed panic in his throat, keeping his eyes closed and allowing a fraction of the tension to leave his shoulders, keeping the phone pressed to his ear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Just breathe, Jay. You're alright. It's- you're safe."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Following the instructions was easy in the darkness of his room. His respiration evened out, chest slowly rising and falling. It was strange to him. It was all to strange and he didn't want to think about it too hard. So, for once in his life, he didn't. He didn't allow himself to get caught up in his own thoughts, making things perpetually worse for himself, making a terror work in his chest and eat away at his brain. No, instead, he stayed calm, and listened to Tim. Really listened to him, taking in all the sounds that seemed strangely clear across the phone; Tim's own breathing, rough through his nose, in sync with Jay's own and showing that he was following his own advice; the occasional rustle of clothing or skin against hair; and the little noises of exertion of Tim adjusting his position. Jay tried to imagine where he was- maybe on the couch, stretched out and watching TV, or in his bed with his laptop, or maybe he was in the kitchen, in the middle of looking for a snack when Jay's phone call interrupted him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"I wish I was there with you." Jay mumbled without thinking._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He could practically _feel _the way Tim stiffened in reaction to his words. Stunned? Offended? Pissed off? The panic was back, itching beneath his skin, he knew he said a stupid thing and his body physically tensed in fear of the backlash.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"Why do you say that...?" Tim responded after a few agonizingly long seconds had passed. It was hard to tell his mood in the tone of his voice. Jay's stomach was practically in his feet, and he felt like the other man would reach through the phone and throttle him at any moment if it were possible. He swallowed the thick spit in his mouth, his throat tight once again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"I uh... well... you know..."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Jay trailed off, screwing his whole face up in a pinched expression to stave off the burn in his cheeks. The seconds passed by in long silent ticks to really drive home that Jay was going to have to explain himself, as Tim wasn't going to let him off the hook by completing the sentence for him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"God, Tim, I dunno. I'm just _lonely _/, okay. I wouldn't- you could- you're-"___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Warm. Soft. Stable. _Human _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________A solid presence in the world that, despite the initial rockiness of their partnership, had yet to lie and cheat and manipulate and leave Jay hanging and like a hopeless lost puppy. Jay had latched onto Tim because Tim was all that he had left. He had gone so long without anyone, and this, the bare minimum and then some with this near-stranger, was like water to a parched man in a desert._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________"A distraction?" Tim finally gave Jay something to fill his stammering, but it wasn't the right thing. A self-deprecating thing that made Jay cringe, sit up a little straighter on his bed as if to better fill his chest in preparation for a lecture, though the words left him. What was he supposed to say to that? Tim was technically right. But he was so much _more _than just a _distraction. _______ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________"No, you're- you're not- that's not what I meant and you know it, man. I don't think you're- you're not- it's not that-" He attempted to right the wrong with more poorly strung together words. Tim didn't give him a chance to better it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________"What would you do if you were here with me?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________The question left him reeling, practically knocked the air out of his chest, and he went silent, completely lost for words, his mind blank as a fresh sheet of printer paper. Once more, the silence dragged on. Jay had no idea what to say to that. He couldn't have ever possibly imagined himself getting this far. Once again, Tim filled the silence that Jay could not, taking the opportunity where he was left to blush and turn his head frantically to make sure he was still alone -- and still being filmed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________"I tell you what _I'd _do. I'd hold you down, Jay. I'd kiss you to wipe that dumb look off your face that I just _know _you have on right now." His voice had suddenly taken an edge- one that Jay couldn't really differentiate as irritated or aroused. Either way it was a low drawl, one that made Jay's skin feel alight and his mouth dry as a canyon. He licked his lips, and laid his hand across his stomach, staring blankly out in the darkness of his motel room and contemplating if this was really something he was hearing. His head was spinning with the mental image of it, of feeling Tim's stubble against his own face, of feeling Tim's broad hands on his shoulders._____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________He let out the faintest moan, and curled his toes at the thought of it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________"Would you want me to bite your lip? I'd do it anyways, just to shut you up. Although it'd probably make you yell, knowin' you."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Lower lip caught between incisor and canine, grinding between enamel to simulate the feeling of the other man doing it. Jay closed his eyes, and his hand slid a little lower down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________"Are you touchin' yourself?" Tim asked, as if he caught on to Jay's intentions._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________"No. No, n-not yet."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________"Do it now. Take your pants off, or just kick 'em around your ankles. I don't care. I want them out of the way. I wanna push my fingers inside you. Are you wet?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________Jay let out a heavy breath, working the buckle of his belt frantically, cursing the fact that he slept fully clothed, and could only really manage the latter because his shoes were still on, too, and his jeans were left around his ankles in a haphazard fashion. He pressed his fingers against the crotch of his boxers, and was mostly unsurprised to find that they were damp._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________"Yes... yeah, I'm- I'm wet."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________"Good. You should be." He laughed, still with that husky edge of what Jay could only guess was his own arousal. He figured this had gone too far (even though in retrospect not nearly far enough, they'd barely gotten anywhere, and yet-) for Tim to be playing some cruel joke or making fun of him. No, this had to be the real deal, even if Tim was laughing, it didn't feel like it was _at _him. Maybe with him. Maybe at the situation. Jay didn't know, mind still whirring to extrapolate even as he rest his swollen dick between his bony index and middle fingers and arched his hips shallowly up into it, huffing shakily into the phone and shuddering at just the bare minimum of that contact. He could hear Tim's own movements, rustling clothing, the barest hint of a grunt. It sent electric thrills straight to Jay's groin, and he could see it so clearly in his mind. Well, almost clearly. He wanted to know what Tim was doing. He wanted to hear him say it.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________"Hey- uh- whuh-"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________Okay, so not nearly as eloquent as Tim. That was fair. He screwed his already closed eyes even tighter in embarrassment at himself, face hot with both arousal and shame._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________"What are you uhh... what are _you _doing?"___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________________There was a pause of motion on the other end, like Tim wasn't expecting to hear that. Shifting around, something sticky, lips pulling apart, and a tired exhale. It's a completely fair string of sounds. He was no doubt _incredibly _tired, and Jay's stupid questions weren't helping that at all.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________"I'm sitting on my couch, Jay. I'm uh... jeez. I just took my pants off, and I've got my hand in my underwear-"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________"What kinda underwear are you wearing?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________________________"Boxer briefs." He said it quickly, letting out a breathless laugh before continuing, "I'm wearing boxer briefs and I got my hand in 'em, and god, Jay, I'm wet. I'm thinkin' about how good you'd look on your knees, how good you'd _feel _with your tongue at my- my hole."___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________There was another laugh, this one certainly more nervous, hanging in the air after saying something like that. Jay laughed too, and there's a certain tension that leaves at Tim having said something so dirty, so cliche. It's like they're watching porn or something, like they're college-aged again. It struck a deep pang of sadness and longing in Jay's chest at that thought. The idea of ever being in college again has long been banished now, and Jay choked on the lump that's once more in his throat, squeezing his dick a little harder to force his mind off it. That's the whole reason he called, wasn't it? To take his mind off these things? He spoke before he could even really think it through, trying to let his arousal take the wheel._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________"I wanna taste you, I wanna- I want to please you, Tim, I w-"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________________________It spilled out of him, now, unabashed and eager. He latched onto it, onto _him. _He needed this, he needed him, he needed all of what can be given to him or even more, what can be taken from him, what he can give. Jay panted into the phone as he dipped his two fingers between his folds, catching a generous amount of wetness on the pads of his digits and pulling back up to rub his dick frantically with newfound lubrication. His eloquence dissolved into heavy breathing and shaky moans, peppered with an inability to string a coherent sentence and yet trying to anyways, still stammering out how he wanted to do these things for Tim. It didn't take long for him to orgasm, in fact, it took a remarkably short time, all things considered. It shocked him with it's quickness, leaving him to arch his back so hard on the bed it strained part of his lumbar, and neck straining against the too-fluffed pillows, skin uncomfortably damp and suddenly too hot too cold too hot in the stale air of the motel.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________All he could hear was breathing, his own, and Tim's, filling the emptiness of the room with something almost like real intimacy, like a real body was beside him, breathing just as hard, and for a while, they laid like that, Jay half-unsure if Tim had cum yet or not and trying to muster up the energy to ask, feeling almost scared to ask. Tim spoke first, once again, breaking Jay out of his thoughts and not allowing him to stew in them for much longer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________"That was nice."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________It dangled in the air for three, four, five seconds before they both laughed, airy and light, and Jay closed his eyes, fading fast in his afterglow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________________________"Yeah, it was."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
